I Don’t Know How to Talk About It
Yesterday, after work … I went to the gym in Irvine.
I had a pretty good yesterday, i’m not gonna lie. My coworkers are hilarious, I’m starting to get comfortable with people at my new job and although I commute to Irvine, I’m thankful for the opportunity.
I’ve fallen into a nice little routine, going to work, hitting up the gym and going home after traffic dies down.
As I write this, I keep backspacing and retyping, but I guess there is no perfect way to express how I feel right now.
I got a call from an unknown number as I approached my car, and I answered it. The sound of a woman’s voice came through the receiver. ”Yes this is her,” I said. It was my sister.
“It’s about papa, he just passed away.”
What is the right response here? I was so shocked. I sat in my car and bawled for about an hour. So many feelings, so many thoughts and I didn’t know who to call or where to begin.
Now, It’s the next morning, and things aren’t less confusing. Things are even more confusing. I have to book a flight no later than today, because the burial is on Saturday.
How will I feel seeing the rest of my family? My relationship with my father was completely different than theirs. What if I’m not able to make it because of flight availability?
My Dad’s birthday was in February. I texted him Happy Birthday, and never got any response. I had been trying to get ahold of him for over a month. He was in contact with my mom so I figure he was just upset with me. Months ago I texted him something that was hurtful, but the truth. And, I don’t believe he ever got over it.
This is not something I should dwell on, because whats done is done I guess, for a lack of better words. But I feel awful right now. People have been outpouring their sympathies, but I really just don’t know how to respond to their kindness. I feel like a simple thank you isn’t enough for how they’ve touched me. But at the same time, I’m not sure how to ask for help.
No one wants to go to a funeral.
So feeling how much this hurts and planning on making that trip is just as difficult as accepting what has happened.
I don’t know what else to say and I know I should be writing a post about how great of a man he was and how he’ll always be remembered a certain way, but at this time I don’t even know where to begin or how I truly translate this feeling.
Please, anyone reading this from your corner of the world, send your thoughts my way, I need all the guidance I can get.
Wherever you are Dad, please visit me in my dreams.